any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
