...so i touched it.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
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