I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
