I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
