Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
