I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
being pregnant is like rehab
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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