so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
