I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
