Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
