a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
