Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
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