Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
