is your mom at the bar?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
