Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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