I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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