Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
