did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
