I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
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Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
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I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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