You smell like stripper and shame
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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