when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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