She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
