My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
