I think I won the penis lottery.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
