I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
