I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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