dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
