i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You need Xanax blowdarts
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
