good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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