if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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