It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
