Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
