so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
