Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
