Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My bed smells like the plague
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
