and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
