Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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