Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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