I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
