I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
