it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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