I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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