he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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