After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
