as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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