I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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