At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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