I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
