I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
