I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize