i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
