I think I died a long time ago.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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