Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
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I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
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I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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