She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
