So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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