tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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