Christians are straight up FREAKS
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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