We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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