If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Sponge bath it is.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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